At a hastily assembled press conference today, star Deadwoods outfielder and extra-negative basehitter Goose Williamson made a surprise announcement that he will be returning to the team for at least one more season. This comes on the heels of Coach Rocky's team salary (negative) announcement just yesterday. The true shocker for many was that Goose's salary (negative) was more than 60% above the next highest-paid player (everybody else). "It's gonna cost a whole lot more to have the ol' Goose around this year," reported the star.
Sources exclaimed surprise, as talks between Goose and team mismanagement had broken down and there had been no progress for weeks. "Pro teams have been feeling me out," quipped Goose, "I might just have to 'Be like Mike' (Jordan) and re-join the Pro's this year." However, sources closer to the "pros" say that the only thing being felt was their pockets to make sure their wallets were still there. "It used to work pretty good in the 70's," responded the aging star, who received his nickname from a propensity to pinch.
However, it may be the "bonus" money on the table that the star outfielder is eyeballing. "I took a hit getting the same negative bonus as the other players for the pre-season tournament, but Coach Rocky made it clear that other bonus money is up for grabs." Deadwood fans mouths watered as mismanagement threatened to "feed the bonuses to the rabble" (or something like that) if the players don't start producing (Tex and Big Dog have already responded). Coach Rocky is still complaining that he just can't produce without a big stick and wants the bonus money to equip himself and other deficient players. "I bring my own stick to every game and I'm always ready to produce," responded Goose, "what do they think this is, Disneyland?" Nobody really understood this last comment.
Obviously sour about the failure of contract negotiations to produce expectations, Goose continued his battery of mismanagement. "It's kind of pathetic really. I mean the guy is asking for 'ALL FORMS OF MONIES' and blowing everybody 'hugs and kisses.' And what's this stuff about 'big Johnson' he's always going on about? The Lakers call him 'big-around Johnson' now; anyway, he's a lousy softball player, why do we want him? It's obvious to me why it's such a 'thankless job'-I mean come on! I see goofy people picken' stuff out of trashcans and begging and stuff, I don't stop to thank them."
-Goose Williamson
Based on this article, I was successful in convincing TRW, Goose's daytime employer, to institute a mandatory drug testing program. - Rocky
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