Oof Season Training with Goose

The off-season can be particularly challenging for the serious softball player. We strive so hard to develop talents which payoff handsomely during the games. But it is so long between seasons; important skills go unpracticed and become stale (not unlike the players themselves). A veteran of over 20 seasons, Goose has been collecting off-season (or oof season) training techniques for years. Important game skills such as Daydreaming, Atmospheric Contributions, and Basecoaching can be successfully practiced during the off season in the comfort of your own home.

• The skill - Daydreaming. The softball version is probably the most valuable skill a player can have. Immensely useful both in the field and in the dugout, most games and teams gain their true character proportional to their expertise with this skill. Here's an example, Coach Rocky is giving the team one of his famous dugout speeches. You successfully survive this by conjuring up a vision of a Los Cuates Chicken Enchilada Plate. The coach sees your stupid grin and more importantly, the slobber dripping down your chin, and thinks he really got the team worked up. Satisfied, he concludes the lecture, and the game continues-everyone's happy. Another example, you're in the field minding your own business (in other words not paying attention), when the other teams' big bat rips a grounder right at you. If you were awake, you'd make a calculated effort to catch it and probably get hurt. But the veteran awakes just in time to stumble awkwardly out of the way, loudly complaining about how the lousy condition of the field tripped him or caused the ball to bounce funny. This is readily believed, because the fields really are full of holes, rocks and divots. Everyone can then go happily back to sleep; the last thing anyone wants is to wake up to chew someone out for a bonehead mistake. A happy team, that is not arguing and fighting among themselves, is much more likely to win the game!

  Off-season technique. Are you still paying attention to this? You really do need to practice! Watching TV is just about the best way imaginable to practice this skill. You can get an accelerated training effect if you select such braindead programs as "Baywatch" and "Xena the Warrior Princess." The method is particularly useful for training yourself to filter out crowd noise such as "empty the trash" or "come to dinner." This regimen is easy to adopt and follow; almost any player should be able to train in this fashion. Another method employs a computer to access the high tech "virtual reality" assisted Internet attention training. Special sites, strategically located on the Information Superhighway were specially designed to allow in-depth practice not available on regular TV. Originally popular, this method is no longer recommended, as certain members of the Facility Express can attest. The main thing to remember is that just because you're not playing softball doesn't mean that you have to be awake all day. There are lots of venues out there, just... ah, what? Huh? Oh yeah, do it!

• The skill - Atmospheric Contributions. This unbelievably important communication skill consists of various postures, handsignals, grunts and trumpeting designed to confuse the opposing team (fans, umps, etc.) while informing your own players of your intentions. Sometimes conducted in mass to enhance the effect, especially in the dugout. Early in the season, most attempts are feeble-lacking authority and confidence. By the end of the season, every player has achieved some sort of mastery. The skill is an obvious candidate for oof season training.

  Off-season technique. Drink lots of carbonated beverages, such as diet coke or beer. Eat lots of salads and legumes. A Los Cuates Chicken Enchilada Plate provides unbelievable inspiration, although not suggested before a big game (except for the especially adept negative extra base runners). Diet is important to every serious athlete and even Deadwoods. This method can be effectively combined with the previous method to achieve a Super Set!

• The skill - Basecoaching. This skill consists of gesturing wildly, screaming and in general communicating useless information. The Deadwoods were among the best at this last year. However, many teams find that this skill may actually deteriorate over the season; hence the need for constant practice.

  Off-season technique. The skill involves trying to communicate with someone who isn't listening to you, isn't paying attention to the game (probably complimenting himself on his last atmospheric contribution) and is in general moving rapidly in the wrong direction. Out of the game situation, this skill is normally hard to practice. However, if you drive a car in Albuquerque, there is a virtual treasure chest of opportunities to practice! The next time you're driving over to get a Los Cuates Chicken Enchilada Plate, simply leave your window up and explode every time you see other drivers do something stupid. Scream and yell, wave your arms wildly, make funny faces, are gesture obscurely (or something like that). By the time the season gets here, you'll be a pro!